DANDELIONS, DISHWASHERS, AND DISAPPOINTING MY NEIGHBORS.....

As I tooled around the yard today on my 1986 Sears Riding Lawn Mower....

I found some real irony........Who the hell ever named these things "dandelions"........There is nothing dandy about them! They sure make it hard to keep up with the JONES'.......I noticed my neighbor has the following head start on me with his lawn this year:

1.He rented some type of machine that takes out tiny plugs of grass and soil TO MAKE MY LAWN LOOK LIKE BEACH GRASS IN COMPARISON.

2. He raked it thoroughly from two directions with a weighted SCOTT'S TURFBUILDER landscape tine rake.

3. He's been sprinkling on odd days since we live on the odd side of the road...(the ban isn't in effect but I think it helps him feel better about himself like he's living up to some magic code of standards that I'm not.)

4. He has the items on his back porch organized in alphabetical order, i.e. small letters nearest to the northwest corner of the house...

5. He never has shit laying in his yard, and I mean never...

And did you know that----->>>Neil Smith of Montverde, Florida, invented the riding lawn mower in 1933.

Hold on a second, I think I had something going with this whole disappointing the neighbor theme.....Its just that sometimes I wonder if the neighbor looks over at my house at certain times and thinks, "MAN THAT GUY HAS A LOT OF SHIT IN HIS YARD.." I feel like sometimes I'm a real disappointment to my neighbors.

I often stand puzzled as I see the tidy little couple come home from work, back their cars in the garage, and I mean their garage is so organized it makes me sick....I feel like I'm just trying to keep the 1986 Sears mower running so I can keep the lawn cut and not have to call in a NAPALM strike since its too thick to even walk in.....and this guy is putting grease in the bearing on his wheelbarrow and storing it upside down on a concrete surface like the manufacturer recommends in the booklet I threw away....I got a feeling he has the booklet in a large ziploc bag for the wheelbarrow hanging on a nail in his garage....

His wheelbarrow in proper storage position..


My wheelbarrow collecting water in the rain and producing a good case of dry rot on the tire...Full of clothes I've been planning on giving to goodwill since highschool...







DISHWASHERS.......

I took this baby out of my house when I bought a new one about a year ago......I put it in my pole barn and recently decided that if I moved it outside of the pole barn perhaps I would figure what the hell I'm gonna do with it.....

and there it sits......what a dishwasher disappointment.....ha!

I also noticed while surveying his yard from my property that we have some organizational differences such as pre-emptive maintenance on outdoor items.....

This guy has his air conditioner wrapped in a heat reflective and uv light resistant custom cover tied down by not less than four weather resistant polymer bungee straps......and one is attached to a zylon string sinched so tight around the cover and connected to a stake in the ground at a 45 degree angle.....I mean come on!

His anal air conditioner...


Mine....As it looked all winter,,,,uncovered, untouched, and if it doesn't work when it gets hot, I'm gonna disconnect it and drag it 30 yards over to the dishwasher.......

The problem with these appliances is the garbage man won't take em, I can't burn em, or can I? I mean I know the State Police burns guns every year to destroy them so perhaps I'll have to work on that idea.....

I also couldn't help but notice while trespassing that his back deck is very very very organized.....Looks like these are in perfect alphabetical order to be stored at a later date.....In a well sun exposed area as to prevent rust/decay....

So what next.........Well TEAM T is diggin in my heels and I'm making preparations for a FULL SCALE YARD WAR! I am happy to report I have done the following items to kick it off......

1. I bought a 105 yard roll of high tech professional landscaper's 8 sided WEED WHIPPER trimmer cord....And mounted it on my whipper beast!

2. I may not be able to afford the Scott's Professional Sissy Yard Builder Turf Stroker Rake but I did buy the SCOTT'S Super Turf Builder Formula with dandy-dead-dandelion killer and SUPER BROADLEAF WEED CONTROL....

3. I went ahead and repaired several damaged underground sprinkler heads and upgraded to a STAINLESS STEEL FROST/FREEZE RESISTANT 14" LONG 1/8 TURN ON/OFF SILLCOCK SPIGOT on his side of the property......OH YEAH! Just screwing that thing onto the mainline of my water system made me feel like a dog lifting his leg and marking a spot on the side of a another dogs doghouse as they were locked in it! Take that!

4. I waited until just before the rain to fire up the TEAM T 1986 White Trash Yardwhacker (c) Riding Lawn Mower with defective exhaust and lowered that blade right on down.......I mowed it nice and tight and now he has to wait until the rain quits tomorrow to cut down his lawn! HERE IS A PHOTO OF MY SIDE YARD AND THE SWATH THE YARDWHACKER LEFT BEHIND....NICE AND TIGHT!

5. Not to mention that my dandelions have spread into what he probably refers to as QUADRANT A46B of his front yard...Sure hope they don't spread over his whole lawn with a nice southwest breeze.....At least we don't get many sw winds (the predominant wind of west Michigan)!

6. A critical part of any land campaign is FLEET PREPARATION! I went to the filling station and filled every can I own! Here is a photo of the TEAM T YARD WAR FLEET!

BRING IT ON BUDDY! YOU WON'T BE SEEING THIS EVER AGAIN!



I'll be keeping you updated on OPERATION ANAL YARDMAN LIBERATION!